


I never thought the day would come

by ReindeerAntlersofDoom



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, F/M, Gay Harley Keener, Harley is kinda mean, He gets better, I will never not be thankful for my beta, M/M, Racing thoughts, Therapy, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love, he doesn't actualy know, he is just deflecting, kind of, kind of?, the anxiety attack is my interpretation on how they feel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25434457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReindeerAntlersofDoom/pseuds/ReindeerAntlersofDoom
Summary: Harley Keener's life seems to be crashing around him. He has just moved in with Tony, who has an intern that Harley isn't too fond of. His sister isn't there. his mother doesn't want to see him, and Harley is just sick of everything.
Relationships: Harley Keener & Peter Parker, Harley Keener & Tony Stark, Harley Keener/Peter Parker, Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, One sided Harley Keener/Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 8
Kudos: 76





	I never thought the day would come

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy folks,  
> Spoilers ahead, just skip past the note if you want to avoid them:  
> I just want to say that Harley initially hates the idea of therapy in this and that in no way reflects my own thoughts on therapy. Therapy is there for a reason and can be quite helpful. I for one, really like my therapist, she is great!  
> which brings me to my next point, the way therapy is portrayed in this is my own interpretation of how I see therapy. 
> 
> Thank you so much to my amazing beta f0reverl0st!
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy!

When Harley first arrived at the compound, he was undeniably intimidated. He was able to easily cover it with a veil of confidence of course, but he felt chills to his bones upon walking through the doors for the first time and seeing the large vaulted ceilings and the furniture that was more expensive than all the money he had had in his whole life. Tony was a familiar sight that almost instantly made him feel better, though. But the tower was still a place that seemed untouchable. It was like a marble statue, beautiful and drawing, that you just wanted to feel, to run a finger across the cold smooth stone, but touching it felt like sacrilege. Harley didn’t belong. He was touching the marble statue with fingers covered in dirt and oil.

Even after Harley was given a room and nearly free access to all of the compound, it felt like a lie. Every time he walked through the living room that was bigger than his whole home back in Rose Hill, he felt like an impostor. That’s at least what it started out as. It soon morphed into guilt, guilt for his sister and his mother, guilt for the life he had left behind. Then, it became grief. On those days, he would stay in the lab for as long as he could until Tony dragged him out for food. He would sit and tinker remembering his sister, her smile, the way she would laugh hysterically at something on her phone and then feel the need to explain it no matter where they were. He missed how she would come into a room like a whirlwind of happiness and make a whole day better. And then came regret, regret for all the missed moments with his sister, that he didn’t realize were so priceless until she was gone. All in all, Harley Keener could undoubtedly say he was a gigantic fucking mess.

After his sister had. . . passed, his mother had sent him to live with Tony so she could sort things out. Harley thought it was complete bullshit. He hadn’t even known about it until Tony had come to pick him up. He and his mother had yelled at each other for an hour straight right in front of Tony. It hadn’t been his proudest moment but he was too angry and upset to care. How _dare_ his mom send him away! Abbie was always the favorite child but did that really mean he meant so little to his mother? He had finally conceded that going with Tony was the better option after his mother had screamed the most hateful words he had every heard:

“ _You remind me too much of_ him _, Harley! What the fuck do you want me to do, I just lost my daughter and then I have to see his face every time I look at you!”_

He hadn’t said anything after that, just stared at her. Tony had picked up his bag and walked out to his car calling out behind him, “Take your time, Harley. I’ll be waiting in the car.”

And that had brought him to the compound, where he was a child with dirty fingers in a museum, filled with masterpieces.

***

Adjusting to life at the compound wasn’t the easiest. There was so much space. If he really wanted to, he could have avoided Tony for at least a week.

There was the staff. They only work on the lower levels but it was strange to walk past somebody and have never seen them at least once before. After all, he had grown up in a small town where practically everybody knew everybody and if _you_ didn’t know somebody, you knew somebody else who did.

Then there was the fact that occasionally, he would run into a hero. Sure he knew Tony was Iron Man, but the wonder had worn off after years of knowing him. But here, he had run into Vision, War Machine, he had even seen Hawkeye once, coming back from a meeting about his house arrest. Every time he had smiled and acted composed, only to scream into his pillow once he had made it back to his room.

Then, Tony had introduced him to Peter. Peter, God. Peter was everything Harley could never be, he was respectful, and caring and he was able to _show_ it. Peter seemed so open, whereas Harley hid behind a thin veil of snark and inappropriately timed jokes. Harley knew he shouldn’t compare, but he really couldn’t help it. Peter acted like he was so much _better_. If there was a problem, Peter would be the first to solve it. If someone said something, Peter always knew what to say. Harley felt like every moment he had to prove himself. Peter made him feel emotions he had never experienced before. When he was near him his heart started to pound, his body felt like it was taken over by a ghost of adrenaline and panic.

Tony seemed to notice this though, because one night after Peter had gone home to May, Tony had actually approached him to talk about _feelings_. Harley knew that if Tony was willingly talking about feelings, it must be serious.

“You know you don’t have to compare yourself to Peter right?” Tony had started the conversation saying.

Harley, who had been sitting at his desk in the lab working on a little robot, had just looked at him with a questioning gaze. Harley knew very well what Tony was talking about, but there was no way he was going to admit that.

“Don’t bullshit me kid. I know what goes on in your head better than you think.” Tony pulled up a chair and sat down next to Harley. He was obviously uncomfortable and was picking at his nails, something he did when he was nervous. Harley wasn’t sure if he was aware he did that.

“Tony, I have no idea what you are talking about,” he could still play this off. There was still a cha-

“Kid.”

“What.”

Tony ran a hand over his face, “I. know better than to try to make you see reason, but, Harley, _please_ remember that you don’t have to try to compete with Peter just to have a place here. I’m not just going to decide one day that I like him better so you have to go.”

Harley stayed silent throughout Tony’s little speech. He could feel his fingers shaking as he carefully maneuvered a wire into place. He hoped it wasn’t noticeable.

“I. . . I know how it feels, to think that you come in second place or that you are less liked than someone else, but don’t ever think that when it comes to me, okay?”

He looked up at Tony, “Are you feeling okay old man?” _dammit Harley be nice_ , “I’ve never seen you this open before.”

Tony shifted, “Pepper said I should talk to you, she threatened to take away my lab time if I didn’t. But I meant what I said, Harley.”

Harley ignored him, re-focusing his gaze on the half finished robot in front of him. His fingers were still shaking, there was no doubting that Tony could see that. Rationally he knew that he would never be kicked out, but there was still that little thought in the back of his head, never leaving.

_He hates you._

_You will never be enough._

_Look at Peter and look at you, you really think anyone would ever pick you?_

_Your own mom didn’t want you._

Harley glanced back up at Tony and nodded. Tony nodded back, stood up and patted Harley’s back. And that was the end of their riveting conversation about feelings.

***

Peter was surprised when he met Harley. From the way Tony had always talked about him, he was a kind kid with a lack of filter sometimes, but still always wanting the best for someone. But after meeting Harley he could not agree less. Harley did indeed have a lack of filter but it was filled with snark and sarcasm and was downright cruel at times. Whenever Peter tried to talk to him, Harley brushed him off with the ease of someone who has never had to be serious. He would never admit it to Tony but he did not like Harley very much. The only thing he had seen that made him okay, was Tony’s face whenever he saw Harley. It was filled with happiness.

If Peter was being honest, he was a little bit jealous. Tony seemed to connect with Harley more than he did with Peter. It was unfair, and he knew that. Harley had known him for at least three years more than Peter had.

“What are you looking so pissy about?” Harley said, his voice grating on his ears.

Peter just kept focusing on his paper, he would not rise to the comment.

“Fine, don’t answer me.”

Peter took a deep breath, his chest rose and he closed his eyes, but Harley didn’t say anything else. Peter felt he was more thankful than he had been in his entire life.

***

Tony didn’t know where he had gone wrong. He cared deeply for both Harley and Peter, and had thought that they would get along stunningly. They both loved science, and memes. They were some of the most caring people Tony had ever met, both had guilt complexes the size of the Eiffel tower, and would sacrifice almost anything for almost anyone. But so far, the boys had only been standoffish to each other. Snapped words and even harsher tones.

He knew why it happened, Harley felt he had been replaced and deflected and Peter couldn’t stand people who seemed to not care about anything, and when Harley deflected, he _didn’t_ care about anything. So far, in front of Peter, Harley had teased Tony about his arc reactor, pretty much told Dr. Banner to fuck off, made an insensitive joke about Tony’s past, and had insulted his own mother. Tony thought that the mom comment was probably the breaking point. Peter’s family was the most important thing in his life, and to have someone be outright rude to their mom when you valued family above all else? Yeah, Tony could see why. It still hurt a little, though. That he had to play a weird middleman between the two.

He talked to Pepper about it and she threatened to take away his lab time if he didn’t talk to the boys. Harley had come first, he was. . . not very receptive. He mostly just nodded his head and cracked jokes about Tony’s age and lack of ability to talk about feelings which he admitted that he didn’t talk about feelings but he was working on it with his therapist. Plus, it helped that Pepper threatened with his lab.

He hadn’t talked to Peter about it yet. He was actually nervous about it. He had known that Harley would just deflect but he didn’t know about Peter. He wasn’t the boy’s father or uncle, in all reality he had no place to say anything to the boy about how he should feel or how to act. Tony was not excited.

Peter was hanging upside down on the ceiling of the wall when Tony came in. He had been working on homework and was frankly, quite upset at it.

“Hey Peter? Can we talk real quick.”

He looked down at Tony questioningly, “Yeah?”

“Can you come down for a minute?”

Peter sighed, but begrudgingly crawled down the smooth wall. He tossed his homework on a nearby desk and came to stand in front of Tony.

“Is something wrong?” he asked.

Tony shook his head, “No. I just. . . Need to talk to you about something.”

Pure panic shot through his body. Was something up with Spider-Man? Was everybody okay?

“Pete, I just told you nothing was wrong. I can literally see you overthinking, stop it.”

“Well you sounded pretty serious.”

“I need to talk to you about Harley.”

This time, instead of panic, there was frustration. Why would Tony have to talk to him about Harley?

“What?”

“Tony leaned against a desk, “I know this really isn’t my place. But what is going on between you and Harley?”

“What do you mean, Mr. Stark? I like Harley just fine.”

Tony let out a chuckle, “You and I both know that is not true. You can tell me anything, I just want to be able to help the two of you.”

Peter bit his lip. _He couldn’t possibly actually say it, could he?_

“Pete?”

“I just don’t like him very much. He is rude. You know he is rude! He makes fun of sensitive things constantly!”

Grabbing onto his backpack he dragged out a notebook, “look, I literally made a list.” He rapidly flipped through pages, until he passed it to Tony, pointing at the top of the page.

It was indeed a master list of every rude thing Harley had ever said in Peter’s presence.

"When… When did you find time to do this?” Tony asked incredulously, he flipped to the next page. It dated back to at least a month ago.

“I do it right after he says something that bothers me. My therapist says to write down what bothers me, so I did.”

“Peter, this is…” Tony stumbled for words. What could he say? _‘Oh I’m sorry that you don’t like Harley, he is rude so he doesn’t get too close to people.’_ No, that would be breaking Harley’s trust. ‘ _Harley isn’t as bad as you think?’_ The proof was right in front of him.

“I think you and Harley should really talk about this.”

“Why? We are just fine avoiding each other.”

“I’m not, Peter. The tension when you are in the same lab is so thick I could cut through it with a knife. _I_ can’t do that anymore.”

“Can’t you just tell him he is an asshole and be done with it?” The words escaped Peter’s mouth before he had a chance to really process them, “Oh my god, Mr. Stark, that was so rude, I’m so sorry”

Tony pressed his lips together, “It’s fine Peter, I get it. Harley can be… interesting. But I think you guys might have more in common than you think.”

Peter scoffed, “Like what?”

Tony raised an eyebrow at Peter, “Well, you guys both like science for starters.”

“Having a common interest doesn’t make us like each other.”

“No. But it might be a nice jumping off point.”

“Hmm”

“Look I know you really don’t like him but I would really appreciate it if you gave him another chance.” He passed the notebook back to Peter.

“That depends if he will actually be nice.”

Tony stood up, “I’ll talk to him and see what I can do.”

“Since when did you talk about feelings mister Stark?”

“Since I have had to deal with Two emotionally constipated teenagers.”

“I’m no-”

“Yes, you are,” Tony cut him off, “Don’t try to deny it. Do you remember how long it took me to get you to open up on your feelings about Uncle Ben?”

“Of course I remember, I was there.”

“Exactly. Look, I’ll talk to Harley, but I do not want to be your guy’s middle man. FRI?”

“Yes boss?” FRIDAY’S voice rang through the lab.

“Let Pepper know I did my job and to let me have my lab time.”

“On it.”

Looking back at Peter, Tony put a hand against his chin as if deep in thought. Then he walked out of the room without another word.

***

Harley stared at the woman in front of him. She was a bigger woman with a kind face and long brown hair, half pinned up.

Tony was sitting in a chair next to him.

“Alright. So to get started, Introductions. I’d Dr. Williamson. You can call me that or you can call me Cathy. Either way, I don’t really mind.”

Tony nodded, “I’m Tony Stark but you can call me Tony.”

Cathy smiled at him before looking at Harley, waiting for him to speak.

“Harley,” he said, hoping she would accept the one word answer. She did.

“Alright. So now that we know each other, let’s jump into it, do we wanna talk about why you are here?”

“I think that would be a great idea,” Tony said, “I am concerned about Harley’s ability to communicate with people.”

“Okay, would you like to elaborate?”

Tony looked over at Harley, who just shrugged.

“He doesn’t talk with people well and when he does, he deflects. He makes rude comments and jokes. He gets very angry easily, and he has a very small filter. I am also concerned about his self-esteem issues and anxiety over being replaced. I know he is a good kid but I think we should work on some stuff.”

Cathy nodded, writing something down on the paper in front of her. Okay, obviously I have follow-up questions. But first; what do you think about this Harley?”

“I don’t know why I am here.”

“You don’t think you need help?”

“I mean, I didn’t know what I was saying was offending them so much. They should have just told me, then we could all just shut up about it.”

“What about your issues about self-esteem and anxiety?”

“I think it is complete bullshit.”

“What part of it?”

“All of it. I don’t have self-esteem issues,” he snarled. He knew that he was blatantly lying but he didn’t care, “I don’t give a shit if people replace me, it is nothing new.”

Cathy tapped her pen, “Mhmm?”

Harley paused, realizing what he said. He was trying to keep all his emotions under wrap. He was hoping that if he acted like he was okay, he wouldn’t have to come here. He didn’t even know what had made Tony think of it in the first place. He had just been getting ready to eat dinner when Tony had come in, saying that he wanted Harley to see someone, no other explanation. Harley had a sneaking suspicion Peter had something to do with it. That bastard.

Harley of course had said no. There was no way he was going to go bitch about himself to some person who was paid to talk to him. Tony hadn’t liked that and told him that if he wanted to keep up his current schedules with the lab and the rules, or lack thereof, to stay the same, he was going to see a therapist.

Harley had yelled that Tony wasn’t his father and that he would go back to his ma before he went to therapy.

He had never seen such rage in Tony’s eyes. He stormed off, leaving Harley in the kitchen alone, tears stinging his eyes.

The next day Harley agreed, Tony nodded, and no more was said.

It took a full hour and a half before they were done recounting everything to the therapist. Everything from Tony’s concerns, his relationship with Peter, his struggles to keep things under control, his escapism, his mother.

“Well Harley. Thank you for being so open with me. It makes this a lot easier.”

Harley hadn’t been open with her. He had just nodded at Tony whenever Cathy asked a question.

“So, I think it's safe to say that we need to work on your communication. I think you deflect to prevent people from getting too close to you and I think a lot of this has to do with underlying self-esteem issues and anxiety and abandonment issues. I also think you have a lot of issues with people in your life, especially your mom. Now, I would like to work on all of this. I am not going to expect you to open up about everything instantly. I understand that you don’t know me and that we need to work up to you trusting me. But I would like to get to know you better Harley.”

Harley just nodded, there was nothing else to do. He needed to get out of here.

“So,” she said setting her clipboard to the side, “I will write up your treatment plan and send it to you through the mail, you should get it in about… a week? But we can schedule an appointment in the meantime? How does that sound?”

“I would like that. Harley?”

“Fine.”

“Okay, that is great. How does Tuesdays at 11:00 sound?”

“Wonderful.”

Cathy stood up, smoothing out her shirt, “Well it was a pleasure to meet both of you,” she shook Tony’s hand and held hers out to Harley. He gingerly took it shaking gently. She had a firm grip.

“I look forward to seeing you in the future.”

She had hardly finished before he was out the door. He sped around the hallways trying to find the door. He passed inspirational quotes painting on walls and pictures of scenery that were supposed to be calming. He finally saw the door. He shoved it open and practically ran into the parking lot.

Why?

Why was he here? There was no reason. Was there a reason? He didn’t have problems. He was just a privileged kid who couldn’t get over himself. Wait, that didn’t make sense. Did he have problems that he couldn’t get over or did he not have problems? He wasn’t making sense anymore. What the fuck. _Why_ the fuck? No, he did not have problems. This was just Tony being over dramatic and upset that Harley didn’t like Peter. It was bullshit. Everything was bullshit, Tony, Peter, His mom. God his mom, what would she think if she could see him now? She would be so disappointed. Maybe it was a good thing she got rid of him. She got rid of him. She got rid of him, Why? Was he a problem? That was it. He didn’t have problems. HE was a problem. Why had Tony kept him around so long?

His racing mind hadn’t even processed that he was sitting next to Tony’s car, head in his hands. There was no one else in the parking lot which was a saving grace even if he didn’t realize it then.

This was all too much. His mind was going too fast for him to keep up, thoughts of his sister, his father, even his school bullies. Everything seemed to come together in one pinnacle of racing thoughts and panic. He couldn't breath.

He didn’t even realize Tony was there in front of him.

“Harley,” it was the softest he had ever heard Tony’s voice.

And then Tony was holding Harley to his chest, hugging him. And Harley was crying for the first time since his sister's death. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and his face was buried in Tony’s shirt.

“It’s all gonna be okay,” Tony said.

But it didn’t feel like it. Harley didn’t feel like anything could ever be okay. 

***

It was more work than Harley knew what to do with, but it did end up being okay.

It had been 5 months since he had started therapy. It hadn’t felt like that long but the calendar showed that time as passing faster than he knew how to keep up with.

Therapy wasn’t as bad as Harley thought it would be. His therapist was actually quite fun and they didn’t always talk about the tragic stuff in Harley’s life. Sometimes they talked about new movies or the newest tabloid news that were so untrue he wasn’t sure it could even be considered news. And when they did talk about the tough topics, she was kind and didn’t push, instead asked leading questions that lead into Harley explaining more and more in detail. The first time she had done that, they were talking about his sister. It surprised Harley when he realized that he had told her almost everything, every feeling and thought. And he had felt _good_ about it. It felt so good to get it off his chest. He did of course feel sadness and had even cried, in front of her no less, which was embarrassing. It felt strange to be so open with someone, especially someone who couldn’t legally talk to anyone else about your problems. Of course, he did feel a lingering guilt and pain but he was surprised to find that when he talked to Cathy he became what felt like a new person, or maybe an old person that he was rediscovering for the first time in a long time.

Harley didn’t want to lose that, he was becoming the person he was before his sister died. Oh! And he was able to say that now, his sister was gone, she was dead and there was nothing Harley could do about it cause it hadn’t been his fault. It still hurt but every day it became a little better, he remembered her instead of mourning her. It was tough, but he got through it.

He still hadn’t talked a lot about his mother a lot since that first session, no matter how much Cathy had asked. That still felt too close to the surface and he was doing good, why drag that down with thoughts and feelings about a woman who hadn’t wanted to see him?

Harley was worried, he was always worried. That was another thing he had learned in therapy, that the constant worrying wasn’t actually normal and was actually anxiety. But either way, he was worried. His mother had contacted him a few times over the course of time since Tony had taken him in. They had only talked over text with short conversations about trivial things. Like, ‘How is school going?” and “have you read the new Rick Riordan book?” Anything more serious felt almost taboo. What do you even say to it?

“ _You remind me too much of_ him _, Harley! What the fuck do you want me to do, I just lost my daughter and then I have to see his face every time I look at you!”_

He didn’t know if there was any way to come back from that. It had hurt him more than he had been able to admit. So they just skirted around it, too afraid to break the base that the already fragile relationship was made of. But he was mainly worried that his mother would come back for him. Would say that it was time to come back to her house.

Her _home_. Could that place even be considered his home anymore? It was where he had grown up, and where almost every memory he had of his younger years had started. It was where his father had walked out the door and had never come back. It was where Abbie had died of a simple mistake that could have been prevented but wasn’t because nobody knew, it was where he had his first steps, his first loose tooth, his first kiss, it was his first home. Then his mother kicked him out, and he found a new home. With Tony, and his bots, and Bruce, and even Peter. And whereas his old home had held him with the warmth of the past and reminiscent memories, his new home held him close with the thoughts of the future and who he could become. So was that place even still his home?

Harley didn’t know.

He wasn’t sure if he would ever know.

But would his mother ever come back for him? The rational part of Harley’s brain said that it would never happen, but the irrational part said that it was only a matter of time.

He was going to stick with the rational part. It was the only thing he could do.

*** 

Peter was surprised. There was no other way to put it. He had never thought that Harley could ever change so drastically but it had happened. The change was gradual, he wasn’t even sure when exactly he noticed it, but looking back the list that Peter had kept had hardly any entries since that conversation with Tony. Harley smiled and laughed now. He was fun to be with and Peter felt drawn to him. He had been a surprising ally in Peter’s life but not an unwelcome one. A year ago, when he was upset, the last thing he would have done was go to Harley about it. Now? Harley was his third thought, Right after May and Mr. Stark.

Harley was his confidant in almost all things, even Spider-Man.

Peter hadn’t wanted to tell him about it, but one evening Harley was digging around in Peter’s desk, looking for a wrench when he came across a vial labeled disintegrating web formula 5.0.

After digging around a bit more he had found many jars and vials all with webbing inside of them and had even found a prototype for a set of web shooters. It didn’t take a genius to figure that out, even if Harley was one.

Peter had come in to find Harley sitting on his desk surrounded by jars and vials staring at the most recent formula Peter had been working on. Peter froze like a thief caught red-handed. Harley raised an eyebrow.

“I can explain!” Peter exclaimed, reaching for the formula in the older boy’s hands.

He swatted him away, “No need, I’m not an idiot Pete, no matter what you may think.”

Harley really thought that he thought that? Wait, no, there were more pressing matters at hand, like the fact that Harley had discovered that he was Spider-Man.

“What were you doing in my desk?” It didn’t feel like a question.

“Looking for the wrench you had earlier,” he kept staring at the paper, “I couldn’t remember where you put it so I figured it was somewhere in your desk, apparently not the only thing though,” he then pointed to his own desk, “I did find it by the way, it was in the opposite drawer.”

Peter put his head in his hands, “Shit.” how could he be so stupid.

“Pete?”

He groaned in response. 

“You know I would never tell anybody else, right?”

He once again groaned in response.

“I get why you kept this a secret, and I’m sorry that I had to find out this way.” Harley was doing everything in his power to stay calm. His therapist's voice ran through his head, Stay calm Harley.

Peter was Spider-man. It made sense, a lot of sense actually. All those times he claimed to volunteer at the shelters, he was actually patrolling. Cause that’s what Spider-man does. Because Peter is Spider-man. What the fuck. Harley was panicking, Peter was going to hate him, he was sure of it.

Peter looked up at him, sighed, sat in his chair and put his head against his desk, “Fuck.”

It caught Harley off guard. He rarely swore in front of people.

“Fuck,” there it was again, “I’m sorry, I did not want you to find out.”

“What are you apologizing for!” Harley jumped off the desk and set a comforting hand on Peter’s shoulder, “you did nothing wrong! I was the one who screwed up.” Peter wasn’t mad at him? It was the best news he had heard all day, he was still panicking of course, but Peter didn’t hate him.

Peter never answered the question, instead he just kept his head against the desk, buried in his arms. He started shivering.

“It’s all gonna be okay,” Harley said, quoting Mr. Stark from when he had his own breakdown. He rubbed his hand up and down his back in a comforting motion. “It’s all gonna be okay.”

He pulled Peter into a hug and didn’t let go until he had stopped shuddering.

***

It had undoubtedly changed their relationship. Peter no longer told Harley that he was going volunteering, instead it was just ‘patrolling’. It still struck him as odd and quite fitting that he would be spider-man. He thought back to his ponderings when he had first been at the compound, about how Peter was perfect and how no one could compare. He still thought that Peter was amazing and no one really could compare. But he no longer resented it, instead he cherished it and held it close to himself. His feelings for Peter had changed in a way that he couldn’t quite place. It was a magnified version of the feelings he had stuffed down when he had first met him. The sudden pounding heart, the adrenaline that washed over him and took control of his body. He had been hesitating bringing it up to his therapist until he had figured it out himself.

“Hey Harley!” Peter came rushing into the lab. He was sweaty from training and his hair was messy and sticking up, his web shooters were around his wrist and his cheeks were bright red as he caught his breath. “I have to show you this! I figured out what we were doing wrong with the webs!”

Harley jumped out of his seat and rushed after him out of the lab. They ran all the way to the training room. Harley wasn’t sure why they ran. They could have easily walked but it felt so exhilarating that Harley didn’t regret it. Peter ran faster of course, superpowers would do that to a person, but it was obvious that he was slowing down for him which Harley did appreciate.

When they got to the training room, Peter instantly ran to the other side of the room and tossed a large metal weight to the middle of the room. It was not what Peter was showing him but it still made Harley heart stutter. Wait, that isn’t right.

The younger boy rushed back over to him, pointing at his web shooters. He took one of them off and strapped it around Harley’s wrist.

“So, I was just messing around with some of the weights and I realized that all this time we just needed more pressu-” Peter rambled on about his idea and Harley just nodded, along enjoying the sound of Peter’s voice. He watched his face light up as he talked, his cheeks flushed. He was sure he could listen to him forever, his voice was like a lifeline. Sometimes Peter felt like the only thing that kept him grounded on earth. But he wasn’t sure he _stayed_ grounded, because he lost himself more than he could know. But it was just so _easy_ to lose himself in Peter. He was like a dream that Harley never wanted to leave.

_Oh my god. He was in love with Peter._ Holy shit, holy fuck, shit, no. He just couldn’t. Harley wasn’t even _gay_. Oh fuck, Dylan Smithson in 5th grade. That made sense. Wait, that couldn’t make sense. Harley couldn’t be gay.

He just couldn’t.

“Harley? Is everything okay?”

But maybe he could? He would just have to deal with this later, there was no point in having a crisis in the middle of the gym when Peter was right there.

“Yeah, everything is fine. What were you saying about the webbing?”

***

Now that he knew, he couldn’t ignore it. He just wanted to stare into his eyes all days and kiss his cheeks. _Even his eyelashes_ , god Harley needed to get a hold of himself. Peter did not feel that way, nor would he ever feel that way. Harley had to keep this hidden as long as he could, i.e. forever. He could never tell Peter about this. He was very scared that someone might find out, not because he thought they were judgemental (he know enough about young Tony to know that wasn’t true) but because he didn’t want to ruin his friendship with Peter. He had finally gained a stable relationship with people in his life. Now wasn’t the time to disrupt things. Even if he desperately wanted to.

But it just wasn’t in the cards, Harley thought. Peter was very straight. He had seen the way he looked at MJ.

So Harley decided that he would stay quiet. There was no other option that sounded even remotely okay. He was never gonna tell his mother. His mother would disown him more than she already had. _Bitch._ Tony would be the better option but still not a great one, ‘hey Tony so I figured out I’m hella gay because I have a raging crush on your intern.’ yup, not really ideal. Peter? Fuck no. Bruce? He would rather crawl in a hole and die. He supposed he could talk to Cathy but he wasn’t too keen on that idea. That left no one. God, he wished Abbie was around. He could’ve talked to her. But she wasn’t around and Harley was by himself in this. He would always be by himself in this.

*** 5 years later

  
  


Harley regretted it. He had missed his chance. Two weeks later, Peter had asked MJ out on a date and they had never looked back from each other. Harley didn’t begrudge him that though. Peter was happy and Harley was happy for him. But that didn’t mean he didn’t regret it. He had never really gotten over Peter, he didn’t even know if that was possible. He still loved Peter but he knew that they were never meant to be, and Harley accepted that. Instead, he chose to focus on his own love-life. It was actually going really well. For a while he had experimented. He had tried women, men, neither, both at the same time. But men were still the only ones he felt that way for. He had even met someone, a nice man from Canada who had been visiting for a weekend. His name was Jack, and after meeting Harley, Jack had gotten an apartment and moved to New York. Jack was somebody he could confide in. He had told him about his whole messed up history with Peter. And Jack had been loving and supportive, telling Harley that it was going to be okay. This was already 7 months ago. Still nobody knew he was gay other than Cathy. He only ever talked about women around everybody, so unless someone could read minds, he was straight as a ruler. On the reading minds front though, it did make his first meeting with Wanda terrifying.

He smoothed a hand over his suit. It was ironic, he thought, to be the best man in Peter’s wedding. It hadn’t come as a surprise when Peter announced the engagement. He and MJ were young but they knew that they were each other's endgame. What had come as a surprise was when Peter asked Harley to be his best man. Harley, of course had agreed. Peter was _still_ his best friend after all.

He had talked to Cathy about it eventually. She had encouraged him to tell Peter how he felt but accepted it when he said no. Then she suggested he write a note, he didn’t even have to show Peter, but to just write about it might help.

Now? The note burned in his front pocket. It had been through so many drafts, torn up pages covered in coffee and food and tears, god, so many tears. His hands would cramp and go numb, but he never stopped writing those letters. His teenage self would be so disappointed. Not just because he had become sappy and sentimental but because he had never showed anybody those letters. He had never told Peter.

But Harley now? Harley now was okay. Even if the letter in his pocket said otherwise.

He pulled the letter out to look at it again.

Peter’s name was written across the envelope in fancy script, so contrast from the mess inside.

He didn’t need to pull out the paper, he knew what it said by heart.

_Peter,_

_How far we’ve come, it’s strange isn’t it? Just five years ago we kind of hated each other. I mean, maybe you still hate me, you did make me the best man in your wedding so I am going to assume you don’t but ya never know. I wouldn’t blame you if you did hate me after this. I first want to say that I don’t begrudge you your happiness. I am so_ happy _that you found a life with MJ. You two are wonderful together and I can’t wait to see where you two go. Honestly you are the ultimate power couple._

_I tried for a long time to ignore it. I tried even longer to shove down these feelings. Do not doubt that for even one second. But I was in love with you. For a very long time I was in love with you. Hell, I still kind of am. But I never wanted that to come in the way of our friendship, because you are undoubtedly still my best friend. I’m sorry I hid this for so long, I’m sorry I never told you. And I am so goddamn happy that you and MJ are getting married._

_I remember when I first met you, I hated you. You were my replacement, perfect Peter Parker who always knew what to do, what to say, how to act. And then when we finally did become friends, it was the most happy I had been in a very long time. And then I figured it out. That I loved you. I still remember the exact moment, you were talking about the webbing we were creating and I was thinking about how wonderful you are. That’s when it hit me. That I loved you._

_I am so sorry, Peter, I never meant for this to happen. And maybe I would have told you, but you were just so happy with MJ and I couldn’t take that away. If you want to hate me that is okay, if you want to never talk to me again, I will accept that. But I do want you to know that I am moving on. I have a boyfriend now. He is really nice and if you want I would love for you to meet him._

_I don’t know what this letter was supposed to be. I think it started off as a confession but now I think it is just an apology. For everything I screwed up, for all the wasted time._

_You deserve the world Peter, don’t ever believe otherwise._

_Love, Harley._

_P.S. The other day after you broke your ankle on patrol, MJ told me that if you couldn’t walk for your wedding she would kick your ass herself. Hold on to her Peter, she’s a keeper._

Harley took a deep breath and set the letter in Peter’s suitcase, tucked underneath his toothbrush. He wouldn’t find it until he and MJ had left on their honeymoon. It felt cruel and mean. To confess his love to a man that would be married by the time he read it. But it felt worse to not tell him.

Harley took another deep breath.

“It’s all gonna be okay.”


End file.
